1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.©JOKEDEMO.COM

2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.©JOKEDEMO.COM

3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.©JOKEDEMO.COM

4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.©JOKEDEMO.COM

5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.©JOKEDEMO.COM

6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.©JOKEDEMO.COM

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.©JOKEDEMO.COM

8. Always scoot before licking.©JOKEDEMO.COM

9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.©JOKEDEMO.COM

10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.©JOKEDEMO.COM

11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.©JOKEDEMO.COM

...and the Number 1 New Year's Resolution Made by Pets:©JOKEDEMO.COM

12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.