1. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"©JOKEDEMO.COM

2. I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.©JOKEDEMO.COM

3. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."©JOKEDEMO.COM

4. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.©JOKEDEMO.COM

5. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.©JOKEDEMO.COM

6. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?©JOKEDEMO.COM

7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.©JOKEDEMO.COM

8. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.©JOKEDEMO.COM

9. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.©JOKEDEMO.COM

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.©JOKEDEMO.COM

11. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.©JOKEDEMO.COM

12. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?©JOKEDEMO.COM

13. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?©JOKEDEMO.COM

14. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?©JOKEDEMO.COM

15. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.©JOKEDEMO.COM

16. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."