Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.©JOKEDEMO.COM
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.©JOKEDEMO.COM
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"©JOKEDEMO.COM
I've never done drugs because I find that I can get the same effect by just standing too up fast.©JOKEDEMO.COM
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."©JOKEDEMO.COM
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they all know me here©JOKEDEMO.COM
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.©JOKEDEMO.COM
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?©JOKEDEMO.COM
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.©JOKEDEMO.COM
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.©JOKEDEMO.COM
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's.©JOKEDEMO.COM
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.©JOKEDEMO.COM
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!©JOKEDEMO.COM
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.©JOKEDEMO.COM
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.©JOKEDEMO.COM
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.©JOKEDEMO.COM
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!©JOKEDEMO.COM
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.©JOKEDEMO.COM
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.©JOKEDEMO.COM
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?©JOKEDEMO.COM
Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!©JOKEDEMO.COM
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?©JOKEDEMO.COM
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?©JOKEDEMO.COM
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?©JOKEDEMO.COM
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"©JOKEDEMO.COM
I've found out why there are more rabbits then there are squirrels, have you ever tried it on a tree limb?
