1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ©JOKEDEMO.COM

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? ©JOKEDEMO.COM

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? ©JOKEDEMO.COM

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. ©JOKEDEMO.COM

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too". ©JOKEDEMO.COM

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.